Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if
the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can,
it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle,
especially while driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your
kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be
a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's OWN truck
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.
A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can
accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: It's a
good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table....
no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have
the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on
the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read
that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a
bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are
good that the date will end in frustration.
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked
up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter
how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost
effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to
socks and shoes for this special occasion.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the
The socially refined never fish coins out of public
toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Dave Reason, USA Ret.
Benton, KY 42025